Let's talk about my personal life...

Geez...seriously??? would i write about my personal stuff here??....no way man!..haha...hey, today is just another boring day here alone in this empty office..literally..no curtain, less papers, etc...


But yeah, I don't really know how to express my feelings publicy in any well written form. Just admire those who really know how...sometimes telling personal stuff over public social network like facebook..friendster??...twitter..even blogs. Sometimes i wish i could write off something but just can't find the right words. I just feel it...be it happy or sad. And yes..it is well written on my face most of the times..but my face is normally emotionless or fierce even in normal mode anyway..hahah!..don't care...

Gosh...i can't stand it staying here. I like to work out, going somewhere so much unless if i am too tired. Badminton? am looking desperately for a group of playmates who likes to play most days of the week (and getting free court of course!)...Aerobic?..if it's given free admission, yeah i would be a regular!...but this...in this small town??...everything seems sloooowwww...and cars exercise more than people do...and everyone is immobile...too pressure to do anything..man..i'm too pressure doing nothing here!...just hope for a miracle that i can go back home earlier, getting something better back at hometown..something more interesting, something more enjoyable to do.

Taking Brunei

Today is the 2nd day here in Brunei. The first was so tiring to set up d ofis, I couldn't even manage to write anything,even too tired to think!...

The weather is very hot during the day. Then at 4pm, the piercing sky starting to darken, preparing the heavy rain to take place. Tutong is a very small town with less cars trafficking the road..For the next weekend, i'm gonna be all alone. It's very boring here.

For the next 2 weeks, i'm gonna miss my cozy bed back at home..my comfy pillows...my little viva..but most of all, i'm gonna miss earobic! badminton!..and sometimes jogging back at Bintulu. Geez..scared dis 2 weeks will build me some around my belly. Then after that, balik kampong! The best cure for my homesick!..

Really miss muh honey too...haiyah...can receive his sms from here but cannot reply back. kacih mai meda laki ku ia...sedih hatiku msa baca sms nya. Kdk little puppy tercari cari tuannya jak....tanya2 line ctok bagus ka sik..sob..sob..sob..If can reply through roaming phone line pun expensive..dah la he's tired at nite after a long hard day at work, can barely get online.

And i miss my hometown too. Hopefully after coming back from here, there's some change i can make. Some better changes hopefully. I hope...and hoping..and hoping again..Dear Lord, please make the way for me, be it blessed and protected, make everything possible to achieve for the better and take really good care of those i dearly love..Amen.

Just any jiwang song from Ne-Yo..i think it's nice to listen to..it soothes the soul & yet touches almost every bit of what is felt but cannot be spoken nor described...

It Never Rains Lyrics at elw

It Never Rains Lyrics

I was ashamed to show my sorrow
I didn't want anyone to see
My boyfriend she decided to burrow
And it felt like someone stabbin' me.

I was invisible till I got hurt
Every day was just another song
And the day that you don't want them to
That’s the day when everyone asks you what’s wrong

It never rains
It never rains
It never rains
When you want it to
Can't hide my pain
Cause it won't rain
So heres my tears
Heres my tears out in plain view

Everybody cares when you don't give a damn
Mmm, nobody gives a damn when you care
Can't be alone when you want to
And when you need someone nobodies there

This is the story of my young life
I got no choice but to let you know
Cause even if I stood here and said nothing
The tears running down my face would tell you so

It never rains
It never rains
It never rains
When you want it to
Can't hide my pain
Cause it won't rain
So heres my tears
Heres my tears out in plain view

And I think you love me
Ooh I think that I'm you
Oh I think you know what I'm going through

It never rains
It never rains
It never rains
When you want it to
Can't hide my pain
Cause it won't rain
So heres my tears
Heres my tears out in plain view

It never rains
It never rains
It never rains
When you want it to
Can't hide my pain
Cause it won't rain
So heres my tears
Heres my tears out in plain view

Tears out in plain view, ooh
Heres my tears out in plain view

i'm damn bored now so i write this stuff

Hehehe..dis is girls' favourite topic..i know..i know..but it depends on negative or positive perspective. Past few months ago, this topic was (or stil is?) prevalently discussed publicy either in FB status or blogs, ,mostly related to happy thoughts about it. 1st question: Why we want to get married : Love? Desperation? Security? hw if u 1 2 marry a guy but u hv feelings for some other guy? or is it just the calling has come?..well, u can keep d answers to yourself. As for me honestly, yes i was excited about it during initial years of my relationship years with a guy. Somehow, at dis point of time, at dis moment after so many moments gone through, it's quite weird how i can say that i'm kinda a biiit scared of it? The cheatings stuff, the estranged ones..& the consequences..urgghh...to bear the distorted emotions is undescribable. Some can go to the extend of suicide. Dat is why, i think i'l just linger until the timing comes by itself. Dear good Lord, i abide by the rules,i nvr break anyone's heart (instead it's mine dat does frequently), i respect others' marriage so when it comes to my time, let my own be unbreakable & peacefully blissful. Amen. After quite a few things i'v gone through so far, here's my random opinion:


1. I won't judge how ready a person is for marriage especially for girls cuz personally i think that marriage is another starting point for 2 persons' personality to start grow inside through a lot of first times like 1st time cooking meals, doing chores together, sharing room, 1st quarrel, 1st misunderstanding..yada2..& list goes on..it's when we humbly admit to the mistakes then make effort to fix it that we trully grow maturely. If ppl scold me to teach responsibility for good reason, i'm thankful. If ppl bragging about how good they are at handling responsibilities, wah..i'm speechless..hahaha..Dat's why sometimes i think, God let certain things happen for a reason. Maybe He gv some1 a marriage cuz He wants those persons 2 b maturely responsible. Maybe He granted some couples a child so dat they cn learn more bout themselves from the child. Maybe He keeps some ppl single cuz He wants 'em to accomplish things they nvr had before settling down or avoid 'em frm making bad choices.

2. I will never again trust a guy whose talk is sooo convincing, no matter how devastated he claims his past relationship was,blaming his past gf..or how he can logically justifies his opinion on despising things dat guys usually do wrong and gosssh..dat sweet talks...(bueekkss..i shud hv known it coming) but when small obstacles comes in the way, he'l b d 1st person to back down..by d end of the day, it's just a sweet talk baybeh..just words written on text messages..u can see it, u can hear it but u can't really feel it if nothing is ever done. In fact, he can do just d same with just every1. Actions speak louder than words. I believe a true good man will always come around to fix no matter how rough the day is. There should be effort in it too.




3. A good relationship is like a good wine : it takes great effort to brew it elegantly, determination to make it perfect, or patience to reach its perfection. In the end, u'l get a nice rich taste to enjoy...bnr sik..bnr sik?..

4. My parents always say..aba nak gago magau darik..sibier darik si ngkira dup, magau dup, mene2 ira dengen dup... I'm stil holding on to that...hehe..

And now my brain's a bit jam & i get bored edi so chow 1st til i write again...astalavista!

My Dream House..or a House that i dreamt of...whichever lah..

When i was way younger, i always have these wishlist of things i want to have when i grow up working like a car..(check) even though nw it's juz a small Viva which i love so dearly...& 2nd most wanted in list = a house...a beautiful house. According to my definition depends on hw my eyes see it=> spacious, simple,convenient & comfortable. This ideal house must have basic parts:


1. Nice Kitchen.


2. Comfy & CLEAN bedrooms.


3. Jz enuf space for a living room.


4. and...it's surrounded by enuf land for me to berkebun during my retirement..hehe..(once bornt frm a tribe who like to farm, the trait can hardly go away).





OK, down to a more wilder imagination..back at my dad's house in the village where i spent half of the growing up, my room was in this upstairs corner where the front lot rooftop is right outside my window. So everynight spending most of my time living the imaginary world of a teenager jz inside my petite room, i always enjoyed my time starring out through that particular window. The view is especially spectacular when the dark sky is covered with shiny bright stars..as beautiful as u can see in Planetarium in Kuching. So, back then i always dreamt of having a house that has an open space at the rooftop where it has some place to sit (safely..), covered with some cushions maybe and....a telescope!..yes..if possible, a BIG TELESCOPE for me to enjoy the view of the starry night. I even asked my dad to build 1 space like dat for me back then (without the telescope of course..crazy request isn't it??..) but with lesser-affordable-living life we had, naahhh..it was impossible. Plus, even if it's possible to build, mestila jiran2 kpg would say "gila ka apa budak tu main2 panjat bumbung rumah mlm2.." And so, a dream of that part is all there is left. If i could have all the money in da world, yes..i'd like to fund to build one of dat for my dream house.





The parts of d house that i would like to focus more are the kitchen & bedrooms. See below pic???..

I like the kitchen part in this picture > spacious, flexible, nice lightings during d day;bright, kinda look merry if i imagine myself cookin' there?..hehe..watever lah..& the side-long table near the wall with the bar-like chairs, are jz nice to sit around for casual eating, or preparing cooking material (kt meja tgh tu pn boleh prepare brg jgk) or for kids/families/friends to sit & kacau u with chit chatting masalah dunia while u'r cooking. Also, if i have a kitchen attached to living room some sort like in dis pic, i'd like to add another bar-looklike long table with high chairs at the border line between d kitchen & d living room so dat it can at least cover the dining table from the living room while eating (if there is guest there) & it can b a place to store beverages (not neccessarily liqors ok..) & nice glasses dat is easily-reached..(^.^)..mini bar lah katakan...

And for my bedroom...umm..let's leave that imagination to my own ok..('',)..all i can say is, it'l be my sacred sanctuary by d end of the day..ngehehehe.. Owh, i must not forget dis..somewhere near to my bedroom, there shall be a space to me to..uhuh...sweat like a pig,baybeh!..owh yeah..exercise! i know some friends said "sweat like a pig" sentence nvr make sense, cuz logically a pig is nvr seen sweating..anywayyy..i lurrve sayin' it like dat bah..

If i 1 2 continue describing d rest of my dream house, it'l take days to write ooo...newayy, for a more pratical target, means d 1 dat i think is possible to do is to save $$$ to build a house back at kampong where originally my dad planned to build his house near the school but then built somewhere else...hmm..hope dat little personal project of mine will come true...Amen.

words / sentence dat made me smile to myself..

1. dis i remember d most for today : "but i only hv chemical reaction with u bahhh"...frm some1 who was trying to pujuk me..

2. and dis..: "i'l b your geisha"... hahahah...it felt tickling right through my tummy to my heart then straight to my head..seriously, i DO NEED MALE GEISHA in my room!..ngeheee..

I can only think of these 2 for now. Right now feel soooo sleepy n heavy bt stil my fingers want "click" on these keyboard buttons...will continue when boredom comes..

Where did i go when i sleep...

Since i was 4 or 5, i often had some vivid dreams that i continuosly encountered repeteadly. Didn't know why or what was the reason. There's 1 dream where i had a window shopping with my mum somewhere at a wet market. The wierd thing was, the whole place, wherever u go, every corner every path, u would only see females= not a single guy/male is around.

Every female existed in the dream was cordial & friendly. There's a female butcher, female shopkeeper, female fishmonger..whatever occupation u name it, it was an "all girl's power-world". All of them were as strong & as rigid as men. Well, mum & i had a nice pleasant walk that day. Untill, there's a huge figure man with long hair suddenly appeared in that dream. And his face looks exactly like Ramli Sarip!...why in the world he appeared in my dream, i'm x even sure but by then it was around 1988-1989 something so it was Ramli Sarip's prime time of fame i think. Seen him a lot on TV dat time. Well this Ramli lookalike guy suddenly grabbed my mum, seemingly wanting to take her somewhere faraway. Among all women there, why la mesti my mum jugak...haih...

Me being mere a young child then of course would freaked out seeing my mum taken away by this strange guy! All the other ladies were trying hard to help..those who were self defence/fighting-skilled punched him, kicked him like any strong man does but stil to no avail. Another strange thing was, everytime a hard punch or kick was thrown out at this guy, his fist would suddenly become way bigger than a normal hand, as big as a drum once his fist met his rival's. Dat guy seemed so invincible in the dream that no matter how notorious he was, no one else could have defeated him.

In the end, the guy took my motionless mum away to the end of the town where there was a lake. Every1 chased after him but it was stil hopeless. I chased him the fastest i could but right when i saw him reached the lake by the cement entance stairs. I shouted as loud as i could, ran as fast as i could. By the time i reached the edge of the stair, he was gone and so did mum. I yelled out calling for mum, only to be answered by the sound of crickets of the lake, the gust of the wind, silence. The water looked so calm, almost no signs of agitation at the water surface at all, not even a sign of floating bodies. Where had they gone? Did the bad guy took my mum then disappear into the lake? Damn i was scared. I cried alone near the lake while calling out for mum.

Next morning, i woke up straightly searching for "mamak". There she was in the kitchen making breakfast & i told her the dream story from A to Z. With her usual casual face, she said " nyap ninih nuh bah..pimeh lai in..ati mamak boh"...Wonder why i had such dream at that very young age, not once but repeatedly few times for the same dream. Neway, now no more of that strange dream, my mum's doing fine jugak so far. It's just the 1st time i hv dis repeating dreams so far...erghhh...

My ramblings for today

2 days ago my lil brother came for a short visit to Bintulu before he takes off to Peninsular for a work course. For a short visit, i really had to fully utilize all the time once i'm off from work to bring him jalan2 around this quiet small city. It was tiring but worth it spending time for family..n i bought stuff for parents too & glad to know they are happy to receive it. It's a simple satisfaction..('',)..

Well, the rambling is..work,work,work..it's not that it requires super Hercules strength but the pressure of managing it..acquiring it..satisfaying it's perfection when things are beyond my control - that really cracks my head. N psstt..i dont wanna go to the particulars of the work here cuz i prefer "listening ears", some friends who are coincidently available at the moment who can respond back n respect its confidentiality...muah2 to all u guys! (p/s: to friends at kampong..mish2 u guys more! u know who u are..)The same also applies to my personal stuff..hehehe..

For that hectic minds filled with works+personal thoughts, humid+hot weather made it worse. And thank you dear God for giving the rain in the end...there's something about rain that gives me comfort deep down in the small hole of this heart. Maybe the sounds?..the cool feeling?..the flasback of comforts of whole family gather around in one house?...or how it makes the sky looks calm n peaceful? for sure it feels like God is saying to me, "hey there..calm down...everything is gonna be alright." And for for yesterday & today, i felt blessed for the rain as it came at a perfect time to soothe me off..

And for this encountering hardship, hardship of the past, working, and staying all by myself, faraway from family & friends...I thank this life for making me stronger..(even tho i resent it at first)..hehe..& yes..to all those hypocrites or blood sucker or whatever lah, also who enjoy to criticize or making people down especially when u dont even know them well enough, whether you are serba serbi perfect or not..sik tawuk la pa mok mdh but what goes around comes around. And yeah..my heart goes strongly for all the underdogs who hv tried hard&well, not lazy ones or taking the easy way out la ok. hang on there..don't you give up!

today...

i woke up this morning with my head feeling so heavy n grumpy, wishing i could forget what i was thinking about last nite..surrounding air felt damp i myself felt so damn lazy..i thought i want to wear a pant & a blue blouse to work but then again, i forgot to iron that crumpled blouse..so, i went for the decent (at least i thought it was decent) mini dress which was comfy n easy to wear. It has got a dark blue top and short skirting slightly above my knees. I thought that would be fine since there are mostly females in my office & on my floor, there are only two females including me.

Day at work in the morning, i could say it was pretty occupied n I liked that. Suddenly my senior asked me to get ready for a courtesy visit with the cllient & get ready in 5 minutes. The bosses always drag us for meeting anytime they want without any alert. So i went for this client visit in MLNG, a well known established company with hundreds of workers with so many departments. And of course, they have their own security guards at the entrance processing entrance permission n etc. After getting the entrance pass, I was jst about to punch the card when suddenly I heard a man's voice..."psst...excuse me miss..hello miss.."...i turn left there he was..an average age man went on saying.."cik..u punya skirt pendek sangat la..kalo boleh lain kali pakai yang pendek ni (showing the proper skirt length with his hand gesture arond his knee)..u punya pendek ini 0oo..(showing his gesture again, this time higher than his knee)...hehehe...

1st time after so many times i've been to LNG, tis is the 1st time some one commented on my skirt..well, i've always been the rebellious one...but the quiet type of rebellion...i hate perfectly neat office attire...especially when i'm uncomfortably hot. Even when i was in school, i rejected when the school elected me as prefect leader. I dont like responsibility involving other people that i dont know. Curfew & discipline..yes i can follow but not the way it was normally done...there must be some other way to do it...